How deep is my soul.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."Proverbs 3:5-6

Hello everyone, as you all seen I did not write yesterday. I am currently going through alot right now, and you guys and this blog are being a great comfort. This month is very hard for me and so will be January. Later on this month I will be telling you more about it. Right now, I just need everyones prayers and sweet words. I'm getting over a broken heart, I am very senstive to things dealing with romantic love. I have burned time and time again not just by men by people in general. And GOD, you guys, my other friends,Meredith, and Robbie have all been wonderful helps its just my mind is going ninty to nothing at the moment. I am very emotional about what all is going on in my life. And, the only thing to be true is that I am going to be okay. In time. So, if there are days that I am not strong it is not because I do not want to be. Its because I'm scared I have gone through so much in twenty-four years it is unreal. I will give you the quick version and I will explain more in later blogs I promise. There will be one of a very specail person in my life in about two weeks. So stay tuned. In the past few years I have lost my grandmother (moms mother), four months later I loose my father, and a year to date of my grandma dying my best friend of fourteen years dies tragically (she is the blog I will write about soon). After my father died: I started to smoke, well I did smoke for about month and I felt clinically and emotionally depressed. But, I had to be strong for everyone but me. I had to put on a smile for everyone I knew and know. My father was so young and so wonderful I would of never guessed January 25th would of been has last. I had to be strong for my mother because she had lost her mother and then do a 180 and looses her husband of forever. And, like I meationed my father died a day before Christies birthday I had to be strong for her. She was a daddys girl since she was born: she was the tomboy, the not afraid to get dirty one. So, I had to be strong for her. Everytime I cried I felt guility and at times I still do. And, in July of that year I started dating a guy who was 15 years older than me. I will not name his name because I do not need him contacting me. But, we dated three years three long years. We met online, and he was from Arkansas so we met up he and I hit it off because I love to read and we were both Christians. I ended up loosing my virginity to him because I was told repeatedly that we were to be married and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him, he was everything I ever wanted in a man. So I thought... after we spent a year and a half together he started to change. Which meant he went out did his own thing, he moved to South Carolina for a job, he and I had occasions he'd yell at me like I was a dog, I ask why was it me. Why did I stay with this moron? Because I thought I was in love, and for the sin I commited one time with him. He holds secerts that no one else knows. He admitted to me finally he cheated me on the whole three years we were together and he never loved me at all. Heartbreaking. Then in May of this year I get in another relationship with a great man, I will not down him. We broke up two weeks, it still hurts because I truely care for this man. But, I know why I think it ended sour... I was expecting him to change my problems, clinging to him, worrying so much because I thought in my mind he could fix those things instead of giving it all to GOD. I feel so horrible I did that to him, we still talk once a week. He still makes me laugh, yes even still cry. But, I am willing to let him go and let GOD take care of it. But, I wish nothing but the best for him. There are still alot of things I need to work on like learning to drive (please I beg do not make fun of me for this), work on me (my health should come first and I do not let it alot of times), and get to dependent instead of co-dependent. I admit these faults, and as of today I feel like a new woman sharing all these things with you guys its like I am talking to a new branch of people. I am so glad I started blogging it has been such a blessing to know that I am gonna be okay. And, that GOD does conquer all evil and pain. I love you all so much! I am learning that everyday that love is not about feeling something it is a personal choice you choose to do. Its knowing that even though some of us do not know each other real life that does not mean I do not love you all and want nothing but the best for you all. Thank you for reading my blog you guys do not have to. I need to get off here I will write a more upbeat later I just thought I would let you guys know I am alive and okay. I love you all so very much and Keep Smiling.

2 Response to "How deep is my soul."

  1. Mardi says:
    September 6, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    I will be praying for you. I like the verse in Proverbs you referenced. That is one verse that has helped me through numerous times. So has Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28

  2. Jena says:
    September 6, 2009 at 11:01 PM

    I am so glad you were able to share all of this. You've been through so many painful things recently and it really seems like God is holding you so tight and giving you strength to get you through every day. You are being strengthened by his Word, and you are blessing other people by sharing it. I am so blessed by the ministry of your blog. I come here and I read a verse and it hits me like it hasn't hit me before. God is using you in mysterious ways. You might feel weak at times, but the Lord is holding you in his hand, comforting you, and protecting you while he blesses those in your life, through you because of how willing you are to be near him. Just stay near to him. He will never leave you. And you will get through this hard time in life. I will pray for you, sweetheart. You have so many people who love and support you. Continue to dwell on God's promises and his love for you and not the lies that the devil casts toward you. Thwart those aside. Ignore them. Soak up the blessings and love of God and those who love you. Take care, beautiful girl.

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